Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
