its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
