I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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