Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
