just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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