I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
