she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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