for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
