I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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