i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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