But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
