I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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