I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
