and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
