My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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