giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
