I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
