News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
