I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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