A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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