I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
