1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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