I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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