got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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