Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
