I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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