She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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