im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize