woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
not ubering you a puppy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
