So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
