So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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