Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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