Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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