Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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