im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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