Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
