umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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