hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
