I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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