you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize