Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
