i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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