They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
