i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
