god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
false alarm, still single
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