how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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