If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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