I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
