I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My cat gives me a boner
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
