I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
