what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
only if we run a train.
done.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
