ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
