I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
