at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
