On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
