i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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