He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
