And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
